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wrightism-1
Home Up Ham Radio Family Recreation Career Humor Ministry Recipes

wrightism-1
STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES


--- big picture ---

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were
here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


--- banks ---

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
time.


--- museums ---

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With
Pail...Kitten On Fire.


--- restaurants ---

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food
you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.


--- stores ---

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If
I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if

they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She
said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different
print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.


--- appliances ---

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't
get it...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.


--- telephones ---

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why
haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new
phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said,
"I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think
so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish
go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme
another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."


--- apartments ---

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.

I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me
are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried
to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me
all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the
store."

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom.
They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my
roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"


--- houses ---

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over
a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come
over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I
never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on
my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
house.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was
teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If
you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of
my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I
said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got
out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.


--- cars and driving ---

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow
glance upward)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on
the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people
must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole
car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I
wasn't going to be out that long..."


One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour,
who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
entire area was missing.


--- sleeping ---

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I
went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go
to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there and write misspelled words on them.


--- socks ---

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at
me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said,
"Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."


--- records ---

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and
went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter
in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."


--- fishing ---

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.


--- dogs ---

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.


--- chemistry ---

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his
glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.


--- childhood ---

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet
for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear
this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child...eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a
gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the
street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole
third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the
shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took
advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find
tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark
until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in
the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets
older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.


--- not-all-there ---

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are
closed? I'm like that all the time.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so
far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so
far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.