>For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was
on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea
to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone
named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how
enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She
showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I
think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten
points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a
little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is
going to be GREAT.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made
it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long
as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was
a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair
monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular
exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya.
The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room
until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body
not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a
good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I
don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't
hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill
flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at
the dentist's office.
P.S. Doughnuts anyone?