Are You a Real Guy?

Take this Scientific Quiz to Determine your "Guyness" Quotient:

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are
   the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,
   they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is 

   capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean
   energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
   oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.  You decide to:

     a. Present it to the President of the United States.
     b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
     c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
   the most?

     a. Innocence.
     b. Idealism.
     c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

     a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
        for narrow conventions.
     b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
     c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
        really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, 

        you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

     a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
     b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
        you should repeatedly shout:  "I am just dislodging food trapped in
        this male's trachea!")
     c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
        run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is 

        legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective
        gear, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
        enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

     a. A cat.
     b. A dog.
     c. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
   intelligent and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday
   afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football 

   game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
   blue sky, tells you she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where the relationship is
   going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
   whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do
   you say?

     a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
        don't want to rush it.
     b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
        honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
        commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
        hopes.
     c. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
        seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
   spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, 

   the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
   that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you tell her?

     a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
     b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
        and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and
        the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
     c. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
   your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

     a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
     b. "They're in school already?"
     c. "There are THREE of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

     a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes 

        so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended
        for your legs.
     b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
        has to be handled with tweezers.
     c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
        the garbage regularly, in case somebody -- and we are not naming
        names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard
        his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy
        seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
   that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
   they finally got to the Promised Land?

     a. He was being tested.
     b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
        finally got there.
     c. He refused to ask directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

     a. Democracy.
     b. Religion.
     c. Remote control.

How to score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy
would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at
least 15, because he would have given himself a handicap.