The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following items are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

- This officer has all the qualities of a dog except loyalty.

And some more stuff:

A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner again replied, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you check for breathing?"

Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating, stated, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"