We, the sensible of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally
whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie,
pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of
Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
Rights.
ARTICLE I
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color
TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you
can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.
ARTICLE II
You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for
everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn
the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the
world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful,
do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all
of your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV
You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and
will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly
growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation
of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V
You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just
not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI
You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and
kill you.
ARTICLE VII
You do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services
of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us
get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life
of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII
You do not have the right to demand that our children
risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching
conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift
a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and
do not want to spend so much of our time battling each
and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a
funny hat.
ARTICLE IX
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want
you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard
times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness --
which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created
by those around you who were confused by the Bill of
Rights.