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When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. 
 
* A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to  crossing the Delaware." 


*A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say every thing twice." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" 
 
* A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" 
 
* Some Great Truths About Life
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 
2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 
3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste. 
 
* THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 
3) You are Santa Claus. 
4) You look like Santa Claus. 
 

* A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."