The coldest air of the season is now entering the United States. As a public service, I am providing the following temperature table to show you the effects of and help you deal with the impending arctic blast.

(degrees Fahrenheit / Celsius)

+50 / +10

* New York tenants turn on the heat

* Wisconsinites plant gardens

* Airmass too stable for supercells

+40 / +4

* Californians shiver uncontrollably

* Wisconsinites sunbathe

+35 / +2

* Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0

* Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1

* You can see your breath

* You plan a vacation in Florida

* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

* Wisconsinites eat ice cream

+25 / -4

* Boston water freezes

* Californians weep pitiably

* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20 / -7

* Cleveland water freezes

* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA

* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15 / -10

* You plan a vacation in Acapulco

* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* Wisconsinites go swimming

+10 / -12

* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

* Too cold to snow

* You need jumper cables to get the car going

0 / -18

* New York landlords turn on the heat

* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!

-5 / -21

* You can hear your breath

* You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23

* American cars don't start

* Too cold to skate

-15 / -26

* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

* Miamians cease to exist

* Wisconsinites lick flagpoles

-20 / -29

* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you

* Politicians actually do something about the homeless

* People in Green Bay think about taking down screens

* Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells

-25 / -32

* Too cold to kiss

* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* Japanese cars don't start

* Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30 / -34

* You plan a two-week hot bath

* Pilsener freezes

* Bock beer production begins

* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39

* Mercury freezes

* Too cold to think

* Wisconsinites button top button

-40 / -40

* Californians disappear

* Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* Wisconsinites put on sweaters

-50 / -46

* Congressional hot air freezes

* Alaskans close the bathroom window

* Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51

* Walruses abandon Aleutians

* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"

* Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens

* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57

* Glaciers in Central Park

* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets

* Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80 / -62

* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island

* Rhinelander Birkebeiner

* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68

* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro

* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles

* Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer

-100 / -73

* Santa Claus abandons North Pole

* Wisconsinites pull down earflaps

-173 / -114

* Ethyl alcohol freezes

* Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans

-297 / -183

* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere

* Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445 / -265

* Superconductivity

-452 / -269

* Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270

* Hell freezes over

* Chicago Cubs win world series

* Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado

-456 / -271

* Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35

-458 / -272

* Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)

* All atomic motion ceases

* Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy