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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program.  The bad news is it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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"Somebody said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

 

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

 

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

 

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

 

The  son replied, "I do know!"

 

"Okay, said his father.”So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

 

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

 

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

 

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit intheir pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes comeclose.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.