Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't
doing what I was doing.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago...no, it was yesterday. Today I...No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.


--- suicide ---

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed
my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my
feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to
the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.


--- books ---

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912...Well, to make a long story short...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.


--- miscellaneous one-liners ---

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I lost a button hole today.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I washed mud, off of mud.

I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

"So, do you live around here often?"

Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


--- miscellaneous ---

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to
cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I
saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked,
"What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even
know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems
to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said
I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
pushed "1" and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He
said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I
looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up
and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"...I
said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan
director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17
payments, and the university you attended said that they received none
of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened
to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I
gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a
nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me
again."

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were
they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty
good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of
milkmen.

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
in.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much
better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but
she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she
could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
said, "the whole time."

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces
on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a
bridge...you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was
another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself.
Then I quit.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a
coathanger.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1
mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a
full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then
I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the
floor, then lifts it)...gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they
scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he*
was watching was better.


I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him.
The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking
through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said,
"Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George,
here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand
dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint
made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.  Subject: FAKE Steven
Wright jokes[original; edited]

Here are my categories, with examples (his):

ENGLISH:

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a
spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the
headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I
don't want your job."

SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice
until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the
lake.

WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in
a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be
ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

SELF:

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the
time.

NAAAHH:

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

TRIVIALIZATION:

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them
away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the
same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them
looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"


My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can
guess what he told me.

___________________________________

These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the
stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks
he can get me five.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I
couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you
eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the
floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light
on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.


You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part
of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What
are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something
on.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?