RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help
his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case
they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on
the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he
a) got older
b) got a new job
c) visited a psychiatrist
you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE
WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he
didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are
we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If
you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to
marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten